Monday, July 21, 2008

Happy

I've been seeing a therapist for a couple months now, and while I'm not totally enamored with him (he suggested that I go on anti-depressants, I don't think I'm ready for that quite yet) I really feel a change in myself.

One of the things that he's found quite evident in our discussions is that it's pretty clear that I am really tough on myself - I am my own worst critic. I have high expectations to be perfect in my eyes, and when I can't or don't meet these expectations, I become angry at myself and internalize my self-hatred, which in time turns into a debilitating depression and self-destructive behavior. Of course, like everything, it all goes back to how I was raised, and the pressure that was put on me to succeed. I don't hate my parents - in fact, I am coming to a point in my life where I really like my family - but I do realize that what I learned early on that pushed me to always excel is probably what is causing me to fall down so often - the fear of disappointment.

Our next session is supposed to focus on methods or ways of thinking that can help me focus my anger in a more productive way - in hopes of addressing a coping method in which I don't feel angry at myself for needing to be perfect all the time.

But I'm feeling good about myself right now. I am counting calories. I am doing well at work. I am saving money. I am focusing on both my mental and physical health. I am making lifestyle changes that I hope become healthy and positive habits.

I don't feel like I'm searching anymore. I feel like I'm attacking.

5 comments:

laurenjsummers said...

seriously...good for you ed!

a happy chink is a better chink

dannyman said...

That's awesome, Ed!

Your last line brings to mind the statement "Its a killing machine with one purpose: seek AND destroy!"

May the force be with you, sir!

Love,
-danny

eddo said...

Thanks guys! Yeah I ain't perfect but I'm trying! It feels good!

6ix Feet High said...

good for you, eddo. :) i am glad you are getting to know yourself better and attempting to understand where we came from...having been raised by the same parents, i too have to grapple with issues around being hyper-responsible, hyper-(self-)critical, and guilt-ridden. good times! you have a good attitude about it...our parents did their best but understanding the way we were raised helps us deal with things in a healthier manner...

KayJay said...

I'm seeing a personal trainer twice a week.

We should take a power walk together, then get a salad, during lunch once a week. This way... we won't be hella lazy and not see each other for six months.

Deal?

Oh.. and I love you.