Sunday, June 22, 2008

Wow. I think I understand.

I've been pretty unhappy lately. I didn't know what it was. I didn't know why I was feeling so alone. I couldn't put my finger on what was making me so depressed. All I could think about was - what was the next thing on my "to-do" list? What should I eat for dinner? Who am I meeting up with tonight? Who should I put a smile on for today?

And it hit me today. I think I understand why I'm so unhappy.

I am at the part of my life, I think, where I know inherently, that it's time for me to grow up. It's time for me to be a better person. It's time for me to learn how to be a better person for myself. I can't keep on using the "I'm young - it's ok!" excuse, while eschewing adulthood and personal & social responsibility. I need to grow up. I need to make my life work for me.

It's not really about what I do. I can't really say, now I understand, and here's what I need to do to accomplish this, and once I've accomplished these x number of things, I'm good to do. It's almost an attitude change. It's a lifestyle change. It's the fact that my life needs to revolve around a social, moral, and personal philosophy that involves more than a calendar of events and a desperate hope that I will find a significant other that will stick to me, but instead revolves around a commitment to a way of living that is right for me.

So I don't what I'm going to do tomorrow.
I don't know how tomorrow will be different than today.

But I know that I know what's important to me.

And I think I kind of get it now. I think. And I think that's good.


farrah said...

Hey Babe! I went through the same thing. Then I found yelp. Not that I'm as into yelp as before but it pulled me out of that weird space.

I like your blog!

eddo said...

hi farrah!

thanks for reading my blog!! i like yours too, although i don't really understand it all the time. ;)

anyways, in this case, i kind of don't think yelp is gonna help... but definitely real friends that i've met through yelp will....

farrah said...

I agree, you've already done yelp, so it's definitely not what you need. If it makes any difference, I'm always down to do juvenile and grown up stuff.