Wednesday, May 14, 2008

EDventures in Trannyism

The famous frat-party-a-go-go LOOK-AT-US-WE'RE-SO-WACKY ONLY-IN-SAN-FRANCISCO Bay to Breakers 7ish mile "Run" (more like drunk stumble and trash The City for the majority of its participants) is happening this Sunday, and it promises to be a good time. Why, you ask, after I harshly dismissed its participants with such a cool icy wave?

Because I am going what I always do every year, which is set up a table on the sidewalk in front of my apartment (which coincidentally, is on the route) and start drinking at 6:30 in the AM so I can watch the Nigerians pass us by, only to slowly watch the carnage as it massively moves its way though South of Market, along Hayes Valley, the Panhandle, through Golden Gate Park, and finally to Ocean Beach, from the comfort of my drunk front porch. And then I realize that it's 10 in the AM and I am FRUNK AS DRUCK and that this is not a healthy nor normal activity but I continue to drink anyways because I AM IN IT TO WIN IT.

Anyways, this event is also known for many other things (salmons swimming "upstream" i.e. from breakers to bay, the beginning line tortilla toss, naked old people, etc.) but one of these is COSTUMES. And if there is one thing San Franciscans are never too judgmental of, it's a god damn ho down COSTUME PARTY.

So I went to Costumes on Haight yesterday and purchased fishnets. Why, I do not know, perhaps it is to release my inner tranny? Do I have an inner tranny? I don't think so, because if I think I did, I think she would quickly become my OUTER tranny, but whatever. Quiet and shy, I am NOT. I was looking for some kind of costume, of what I don't know. But I thought I could do something with fish nets. So I opened them this morning to try them on and lo and behold, WHO KNEW FISHNETS WERE LIKE PANTYHOSE?!? I sure didn't. I thought they were like long socks.

Anyways, they don't fit. Like at all. They're made for women who are probably 5 foot 4 and 100 pounds. I am a 200+ plus pound 6 foot tall Asian man. The crotch reaches to my thighs. I think I'm going to have to cut a hole in the crotch or something, kind of like assless chap fishnets, I suppose. To solve this, I'll have to find a pair of red or black manties to wear. AND I just figured out my Bay 2 Breakers costume. I'm calling myself "CHINKSTINA AGUIRERRA"!!!!!!

I also bought a rainbow afro and a mustache, but I'm not yet sure how I'll incorporate those into my costume.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008


I still don't really understand the concept of AdWords (how the hell do I get paid to blog?!?!?) but I don't really think my blog has a market out there. Since I added Google Analytics to my blog, I've found that people find my blog while searching for the phrases "chez panisse chowhound", "blue bottle kyoto iced coffee", "crab scissors", "chinky princess", "how to look less chinky", "power ad m4w", "e in emo is for", "herra dating", "boiling eddo", "chinky american born chinese", and "chinky sweat".

However, my blog got a historic high of 13 visitors yesterday, so thank you very much anonymous readers!

Also, for the REALLY important news, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BEA ARTHUR!!!!!

Monday, May 12, 2008

Vanishing Cities

With the minute possibility of moving to New York within the next couple of years, I've been reading articles/books/blogs about the current vanishing of New York, or at least, the New York worth preserving, and the bringing about of the same mindless driveling culture of today.

In particular, I've been intrigued by this blog, called Jeremiah's Vanishing
New York a.k.a. The Book of Lamentations: a bitterly nostalgic look at a city in the process of going extinct

I've been particularly taken aback by the entry called How Sex and City killed New York City, which details, in a general timeline, how the introduction of one horrible yuppie bar in the Bowery caused a transformation of "every woman into a clone of Carrie-fucking-Bradshaw" and consequently, how its streets became "overrun by cupcake-munching, giant-handbag-carrying, soulless robots". Harsh? Perhaps, but I see it happening not just in New York, but pretty much in every city I've visited in my entire young life, and especially in San Francisco. [As a sidenote, it bothers me that Sarah Jessica Parker's face looks so much like a foot. Also, does anyone else remember Kristin Davis from Melrose Place and HOW HUGE HER ASS WAS back then?! Effing Hott.]

True to life, one commenter (Rob, from San Francisco) on Jeremiah Wright's wonderful post says it all:

I live in San Francisco. I think you've misnamed the phenomenon. I think what you're really talking about is the recent era of the "in city." SF and NYC shared the spotlight in the 70's. NYC and LA in the 80's. In the early 1990's it was Seattle. In the late 90's it was San Francisco. Ironically 9/11 made NYC the next fashionable city.

In both San Francisco and Seattle being the center of the young and cool universe destroyed the very culture that brought it national attention as a cool place to be. Years later both cities are still trying to recapture that thing they once had before the locusts arrived.

NYC is coming up on the end of it's time in the lime light though. Soon the wealthy fashionistas well grow out of it or run to the next "It city." My money is on Chicago... It still feels authentic, which is really what people are chasing. It's too bad they can't become part of the culture without destroying it.

In my short life in San Francisco, I've witnessed reinventions of the Inner Mission, Western Addition (NoPa?!?!? *shudders*), Hayes Valley, Lower Haight, the Dogpatch... slow vanilla-fication of every distinct and personable neighborhood until what was once worth saving is now indistinguishable from what was once deemed urgent to stop.

Instead of Sex and the City and New York, perhaps us here on the Left Coast should call it the Newsom-ification of San Francisco.

Universal Troofs

I just realized that whenever I have a problem, my first reaction is to throw money at it until it goes away. Which makes me glad I don't have too many problems.