Sunday, April 20, 2008

It's been over 4 years...

since my last serious relationship.

I wonder what she looks like now.
I wonder where she's working now.
I wonder who she's seeing now.
Or if she's engaged.
Or if she's married.
Or if she has children.
Or if she even thinks about me anymore.
Or if she ever thought about me at all.

I never talk about her. I rarely talk about my relationships, even when they are happening, not even with the people I am closest with. I sometimes think talking about them makes them less real. That the more you put reality into word form, the more static it becomes, the less opaque and the more tangible it becomes. That once you assign words to a memory, the more it becomes lore and the less it becomes how it really was.

I am pathetic. The relationship didn't even last a year. It was my only serious relationship in college. But it went so fast. And it felt so good. And when it ended, it ended so badly.

I often wonder how my life would be different if it never happened. If I would be as prone to immediately doom a relationship before it starts, like I normally do. If I would be more likely to embrace and less likely to reject. If I wouldn't run away from any person I thought would hurt me before even allowing them inside me.

In the past, my relationship with Melanie was perfect.
In the present, I fear my golden memories are perhaps gilded.
And in the future, Melanie might leave me worse than if she never happened at all.


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AJ said...

you is emo....aiight, so it's been a while. Won't be the end of your world, believe you me. (what does that mean anyway?)