Monday, April 28, 2008

IN IT TO WIN IT 2008!!!

2008 is my year. I am actively looking to dump my single male status and ready to hit the ground running with some HOT GIRL ON GIRL INSANE STRIPPER GONE WILD ACTION. Or really, a nice gal who likes me and who doesn't make me hate the world would be nice. So I wrote a Craigslist ad - M4W here I come!!!

I am fat, judgmental, disdainful, AND ASIAN!!! - 26 - (hayes valley)

Alright, listen. I am probably too good for you. No girls wants to hear that, but I'm most likely right. I'm fat and I'm judgmental and I am smarter than you and OH YES I AM ASIAN!!! And, I probably hate you (seriously, Russian/Nob Hill bitches, stop fooling yourself into thinking you're more "indie" than your Pac Heights counterparts - Forever 21 instead of True Religion does NOT make you an Independent Woman and please do not throw your hands up at me).

But I've had a high earning corporate but also indie-hip job straight outta my namebrand college with double power majors (the kind where you say, wow you must be SMART!), can afford to live in a 1 bedroom in post-Central Freeway nouveau riche Hayes Valley, and am so free thinking that I can look down on Marina striped shirts AND Mission hipsters AND dotcom Burners AND silicon valley google-ites AND granola hippies AND MYSELF!!!!

Please do not respond if you are blond (= privileged), Asian (= daddy issues), skinny (= you hate life), insane (= bad in bed), or unemployed (= lazy).

Anyways, I'm pretty much a catch, and if you are okay with me passing judgment on your within the first 5 minutes of meeting you and dealing with the crushing blow and certain possibility that you are as unoriginal and easy to read through as a used childrens book, I AM SINGLE AND READY TO MINGLE LADIES.

Your pic gets my shirtless pic. MOOBS ARE SO IN RIGHT NOW!!!

Sunday, April 20, 2008

It's been over 4 years...

since my last serious relationship.

I wonder what she looks like now.
I wonder where she's working now.
I wonder who she's seeing now.
Or if she's engaged.
Or if she's married.
Or if she has children.
Or if she even thinks about me anymore.
Or if she ever thought about me at all.

I never talk about her. I rarely talk about my relationships, even when they are happening, not even with the people I am closest with. I sometimes think talking about them makes them less real. That the more you put reality into word form, the more static it becomes, the less opaque and the more tangible it becomes. That once you assign words to a memory, the more it becomes lore and the less it becomes how it really was.

I am pathetic. The relationship didn't even last a year. It was my only serious relationship in college. But it went so fast. And it felt so good. And when it ended, it ended so badly.

I often wonder how my life would be different if it never happened. If I would be as prone to immediately doom a relationship before it starts, like I normally do. If I would be more likely to embrace and less likely to reject. If I wouldn't run away from any person I thought would hurt me before even allowing them inside me.

In the past, my relationship with Melanie was perfect.
In the present, I fear my golden memories are perhaps gilded.
And in the future, Melanie might leave me worse than if she never happened at all.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

San Francisco Liberals...

are just as bad as Texas conservatives.

If you haven't heard, in a recent San Francisco fundraiser, when asked about the difficulty of luring blue-collar voters in Pennsylvania (and presumably, beyond), Barack Obama responded with "you go into these small towns in Pennsylvania and ... the jobs have been gone now for 25 years, and nothing's replaced them. It's not surprising, then, they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations."

With full disclosure, when the California primary came around, I voted for Hillary. But realistically, if the primary in California were to be held today, I may even be persuaded to vote for Obama. I thought his speech in Philadelphia was incredible, I thought it might possibly be the most eloquent, appropriate, and politically daring speech to be delivered in my young life. No matter who receives the Democratic nomination for President, I will be proud to vote for either candidate for POTUS, Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton.

What am I more disgusted with is the reaction that the quote received not from the blue-collar voters, but instead from the supposedly educated and liberal citizens of the San Francisco Bay Area. I don't care how much anecdotal evidence you have, I don't care where you're from or where your family lives, but to say things like "I don't even know what's wrong with his quote," and "What he says is right, I don't understand what the big deal is" is so completely out of touch with reality that it absolutely blindsides me. I immediately think: Stuff White People Like: Knowing What's Best for Poor People.

If you don't understand that some random person running for the leader of our country implies that the reason you turn to religion, the reason you believe in the 2nd Amendment, the reason you want immigration and trade laws enforced is because you are "bitter" and because you don't have a job - well, I don't know what to tell you.

And yes, I say, we are out of touch with the rest of America, and I think that's ok. But to be so pretentious and so presumptive about how people who don't live like us think, it is almost as insulting to them as it is to us when outsiders imply that San Franciscans are gay smug pot-smoking hippies. Essentially, it is a caricature and it is incorrect and it is judgmental and insulting. We are not better or worse because of where we live or because of our education or our race or our income or our place of employment. We're different, and that's fine. Let's just try not to be assholes about it, ok?

I love how everytime something happens in San Francisco, the SF Chronicle decides to be lazy and rerun the same "What?! Us?! Liberals?! People view *us* as SMUG?!?!" article. We take pride in our liberalism, and then we are surprised when others call us out on it. We can't have it both ways - we can't be both patronizing and idolized at the same time.

Besides, everyone knows the only reason educated white people vote for Barack Obama is because they still feel guilty about slavery and Jim Crow.

See how that feels?

Thursday, April 10, 2008

PPQ Dungeness Island


That is how my mind works whenever I think of PPQ Dungeness Island. Located in the Outer Avenues of the Richmond in San Francisco, PPQ Dungeness Island is a Vietnamese restaurant (run mostly by Chinese people, I think) known for its Roasted Dungeness Crab which is flavored with butter, garlic, garlic, and more garlic. It is delicious and one of my favorite restaurants in San Francisco. Also, I have no idea where Dungeness Island is, but I want to know and in my dream it is one big long buffet table. Yes, Chinks dream of buffets. My dad even brings his own CRAB SCISSORS to buffets. He will say "even scientists can no be successful, weethout proper tool!" My dad is clearly a scientist of crab buffets and overeating. The nut does not fall far from the tree.

I went with 30 of my closest friends and family for my birthday this year. Us being us, when the crab arrived, we actually started CLAPPING and gave it a standing ovation. Yes, that is how we show our appreciation to dead animals that will sate us - we clap. We're fucked up and insensitive, I know.

My mom called me on my birthday this year, which also happened to be the day before San Francisco was the only North American city to host the Beijing 2008 Olympics Torch Run. What started out as a sincere Happy Birthday call ended up in a 20 minute lecture to me about how evil I was because My City (yes, to my mother, I now represent all 900K wackos in San Francisco, nevermind that most San Franciscans avoid crowds like the plague and most Tibetan protestors are dread-wearing white people from Marin) supports Tibet and people just want to believe what they hear and no one knows about how Tibet actually is and blah blah blah Chinacakes.

I argue with her a little, and explain to her how even if America was holding the Olympics this year, we'd probably be protested in other countries because we are seen internationally as a large country trying to impose our governmental standards on a smaller and less powerful country as well, and that I think it's cool people are protesting for what they believe in because well, you can't do that in China or other parts of the world. That's why it's happening in London, in Paris, in San Francisco - because people want to speak out to our government in ways that citizens of other countries can't.

Anyways, after stewing at me for a while, my mom asks me what I did for my birthday. I mentioned we went to PPQ Dungeness Island.

Mommy: Ohhhh, so feh-mose!
Me: Huh?
Mommy: Da dun-jah-ness creb. Soooo feh-mose!
Me: Yeah, we had it roasted and we also had garlic noodles. It was sooo good Mommy.
Mommy: You so rucky, you leev in San Fu-ran-seesko.
Me: What about all the protestors? I thought you hated San Francisco!
Mommy: Ah, you know, dees protestors, dey don't know. The only reason dey protest, ees because, efterwards, dey can eat dun-jah-ness creb.

My mom is convinced that the reason that people protest so much in San Francisco is so that they have a reason to celebrate afterwards by eating dungeness crab.

Which is totally not a far stretch of the imagination, I guess, since she is Chinese...